Happy October!!  Halloween is by far my favorite holiday and therefore, I’m already obsessing over costumes.  The kids each have one already because I was not waiting until the shelves were barren.  Slugger doesn’t really have a preference each year, however, Pixie is very serious about her costumes choices.  Last year was a mini fiasco, seeing as she insisted on being Cruella DeVille.  Which was fine.  Except they didn’t make a costume in kid sizes.  So we had to throw something together.  This is what we came up with and I was more or less happy with it.  Even if the hair didn’t turn out as expected.  Whatevs.  She was adorable.

So what is the point of all of this?  Well.  Let me tell you.

I am a larger girl.  And I don’t just mean in comparison to Pixie, because, seriously?  I mean, I’m larger than your average.  I wasn’t always, but thanks to my two beautiful crotchfruit children, I’ve gained a significant amount of weight over the years and fall into that oh-so-controverial category of “plus sized”.  Now listen, I’m not here to body shame anyone.  We are all beautiful and deserve to feel that way.  What I am about to complain about has more to do with my own insecurities than how I view other people.  It’s me, not you.  Seriously though, it’s me.

As a “plus size” girl, costume choices are…interesting.  I find myself limited to the internet if I want to find something remotely close to being reasonable.  It seems as though costume choices fall into to extremes:  “should be kept in the bedroom” and “you are going to look like a fool”.

Let me show you.  Gander with me.

Meet the “Bewitching Beauty”.  She is adorable.  I can’t say she isn’t.  If you click on her she will take you right to Halloweencostumes.com where you can buy her and wear her and make her your own.  The costume of course, not the actual woman.  So what’s my issue, you wonder?  Well first off.  This woman isn’t plus sized.  Like, not even a little.  Not even “Well, maybe she falls into that weird in-between zone that fashion deems plus sized.”  NO.  So, here I am looking for a costume for my plus sized body and I am looking at a “plus size costume” on a very not plus sized model.  How is this helping me?

Secondly, though I’ve already said I find this costume adorable, do you know what I’m picturing?  Me, bending over, exposing my incredibly large butt accidentally to everyone in the tri-state area.  NOW THAT is a scary costume.  There is no way the length of this skirt would cover my…umm…assets. So, so unflattering.

Let’s move on.

Well, hello there “Party Skeleton”.  I found this gem over at Yandy.com and surprise, surprise, if you click on her, she’ll take you where you need to go.  Again, this woman isn’t really a great representation of the “plus sized” world, but that seems to be a common theme.  This dress is adorable, especially if you aren’t the “costume type”, its a happy medium.  The skirt length is a little longer than the last, but still not quite long enough for my derrière.  My real issue with this though?  It’s.  A.  Skelton.  I mean, lets break for a moment here and acknowledge the fact that I know NO ONE is the size of an actual skeleton.  If they are, then that is a completely different problem.  BUT!  Nothing screams “snicker and side eye” like a large girl dressed like a skeleton.  There are places on my body where I’m not even sure there are bones anymore. I haven’t felt them in ages, so they could very well be gone.  So let’s highlight the fact that I have WAY too much meat on my bones by dressing like a skeleton.  No. Thank. You.

GUUUUUUUURRRRRRLLLLL.  You walked out in your “private time” outfit.  Oh wait.  No.  Nope.  Read the description on this “Alluring Alice” and they are definitely telling me it’s perfect for my Halloween party.  Is it?  I mean, does it have pants it comes with that I’m just not seeing?  Legit, if this girl turned around, I’m sure she’s airing it all out back there.  Why have we done this to a “scary” holiday?  Like, do people need a refresher on what Halloween is all about?  What is happening here???

Ok.  I’m calm.  Click on her if you want.  She’ll take you over to trendyhalloween.com, where sadly she’s out of stock, but I’m sure you can find something else.  Check your unmentionables drawer.  You might already have something similar.

And may I mention one more thing that definitely applies to all three of these?  Where I live, Halloween is COLD.  How…how am I supposed to wear these when it’s forty degrees out?  I…I just can’t.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have these options.  Full coverage, zero dignity.

I feel like I don’t even need to explain myself on these.  Guys, a potato.  I mean.  No.  You can find these gems as well as some actually cool costumes at Costumeexpress.com.  Click the potatoes.  They’ll lead the way.

Please.  Don’t let my views dissuade you from whatever costume you want this Halloween.  If you like it and you feel comfortable, rock it.  I wish I had the confidence to waltz out of the door in some of these.  Until then, you’ll find me here.  Convincing myself a bedsheet isn’t an option.  Wish me luck.