Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out Loud (especially in public)

never thought i would say

I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth, though it certainly seems like I have.  We have been running around like crazy people the last couple of weeks and in the fray, my laptop charger decided it no longer wanted to do it’s job.  Facebook ever so kindly informed me that it has been eleven days since I’ve posted anything on the Oils Monster page.  So here I am.  Assuring you I’m alive.

On that note, Pixie just recently turned four this past weekend.  I don’t know how this happened, or when time decided to speed up, but in honor of her birthday I’ve compiled a slightly nonsensical list of things I never thought I’d have to say.  This list is a tiny representation of the absolutely insane things that I have found NECESSARY to say.  I should point that out.  I don’t say these things just because they’re funny.  Like, there has actual been an occasion to say each of these.  Ponder that.

So, without further ado, prepare yourself to question my entire life.  Here we go.

Stop eating the dog/cat food.  (I say this A LOT)

No, eggs don’t change color in the fishtanks like Easter eggs.  See?  They’re all still white.

We don’t eat toilet paper…

You can’t show your pee-pee to everyone…

We don’t color on our teeth.

No, if you shoot me, I won’t come back to life.

Why is the dog in the dresser drawer?  (I’ve had to ask this more than once.  Not awesome.)

No, we can’t name the baby “Sausages” or “Spongebob”.  (Good thing Slugger didn’t get final say on Pixie’s name…)

Please don’t keep chapstick in your underwear.

Well, now that you put that candy in your underwear, I guess we have to buy it.  But you still can’t eat it. (Yeah, I’ve said this.  Checking out at Staples.  It was just as awkward as you imagine it.)

Your underwear is not a substitute for pockets! (Gee, wonder why I had to say that.)

We don’t hit people with dinosaurs.

You can’t ride in the washer machine.

Please put that down.  It’s a urinal cake. (Uh huh.  Yup.)

No, I’m pretty sure bears don’t eat cars.  (Just pretty sure.  Not certain.)

Please don’t wash the cat.

No, no one turned Jesus into a statue.  It’s just a statue.  Of Jesus. (Pixie was incredibly concerned about this one…)

Pantyhose aren’t pants.  I can see your underwear.  And it’s on wrong.

And everyone, gag with me:

Please stop eating the cat’s hair!

Now of course this list isn’t all inclusive.  I’m sure there are plenty of ridiculous things I’ve blocked from my memory to preserve my own sanity.  Any fun ones you’d like to add??  Leave them in the comments.  You know, so I can feel like this is normal.

2 thoughts on “Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out Loud (especially in public)

  1. I have heard too many things come out of your mouth to list lmao. One in particular stands out, BUTT I don’t know if I can say it here. I am sure everyone would like a good quote from you every now and then. Lol

    Like

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